i don't really have words to articulate what all i have goin on inside me, so I'll let these songs say it better:

"The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon..."
-Death Cab for Cutie, I Will Follow You Into The Dark

"I was twenty-one years when I wrote this song.
I'm twenty-two now but I wont be for long
Time hurries on.
And the leaves that are green turn to brown...

Hello, hello, hello, good-bye,
Good-bye, good-bye, good-bye,
Thats all there is.
And the leaves that are green turned to brown..."
-Simon and Garfunkel, Leaves That Are Green

"Beautiful dawn - melt with the stars again.
Do you remember the day when my journey began?
Will you remember the end (of time)?
Beautiful dawn - You're just blowing my mind again.
Thought I was born to endless night, until you shine..."
-James Blunt, High

"I do believe it's true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
If the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too..."
-Death Cab for Cutie, Soul Meets Body

" 'Cause all you see is where else you could be when you're at home..."
-Death Cab for Cutie, Your Heart Is An Empty Room


So this was partly "written" a few weeks before I left. And now I'm sorta finishing up those thoughts with my current thoughts now. Leaving was, in short, heart breaking. And I really mean that. Before I went abroad, those who were studying abroad met with professors to go over stuff. One of the things they said was that most of us would be looking forward to coming home. And, honestly, I never got to that point. I realize that sounds cold hearted, and maybe it is, I dunno. The truth is, I finally found somewhere where I was happy, doing something I liked and felt like life, although being difficult at times because of language barriers, was really good. To try and sum up all the feelings and experiences of an entire year is impossible. It was quite honestly an amazing year of self discovery at what I could do. This will probably stand out in my mind as the year that changed me fundamentally. I'm pretty sure that's true. Even after 3 months or so of being home, I'm still annoyed at loud people, don't feel compelled to apologize for every little thing, struggle with words and thoughts in english and, although I was once a master at it, hate small talk with a fleeting passion.

I'm the same and different at the same time. I like where I am. I'm happy with what a year has done with my life. My life's really not boring, because I've done things people only will dream about. Do I want to go back? If the chance were given to me right now, definately. Am I planning on going back? Same answer. Have I given up the dream to go back, despite job setbacks? Absolutely not.

The truth is...your dreams are what carry you do do the things that deep down make you happy and might define you in some new way. And as tacky as that might sound, you'd agree with me if you've done the same.