Hey folks. This is actually the third time I've tried to write this thing so finally I'm at a real keyboard that hopefully won't delete my stuff here. Anyways I just wanted to have some reflection time, be real honest about the stuff that's been going on with me lately, mainly having to do with me and Jen. I didn't want to write something prematurely or emotionally, as I would probably regret it later. So here it is...after the fact.
As you know me and Jen went on a date last Saturday. It was great. Up to this point we had already talked about dating and decided to stick to just being friends. Well I was feeling like things were moving in the direction of becoming more than friends. So we talked about it on the date, and to some disappointment Jen still felt we should be friends. But there were things about that date that still made me think she was feeling otherwise. So I left the date and that night feeling that things would eventually go in the "relationship" direction.
This week was Campmeeting, when a bunch of people come for the week and stay. It was busy and while everyone was rushing around doing their things, something felt different, like with me and Jen. It felt distant, odd between us. She didn't seem like her usual happy cheery self. And it was odd. She didn't smile as much, at least not to me. Her smile as you'll remember is probably my favorite feature about her. She never came down to the waterfront when I was bored with lifeguarding (by the way, I saved someone this week, but it was no big deal). Maybe I shouldn't have felt weird about it, but I did. I felt like I was getting mixed signals from her, like she was blowing me off this week on purpose.
We finally got to talk a few days ago. I needed some questions answered because I was just feeling so confused. First I think she likes me and wants to date me, then I'm not so sure. So we strolled down the road and talked. And it was good and a disappointment. I told her how I felt blown off and distant from her, and she admitted she hadn't really taken the chance to talk. She told me much more in depth why she thought we shouldn't date right now, with me going to school and the fear of communication not being as good between us, not being ready for a relationship and just feeling confused about her own path. So while it was a disappointment and yes it hurts a little, I'm glad that we are still friends and are able to talk about it so openly. While we may not be dating now, neither of us discount a relationship as out of the realm of possibilities. But it is hard to just "pack up" your heart like that and move on. But perhaps God's got something else planned.
I've been reading Wild at Heart by John Eldridge this whole week. And I've had to face a lot of things about myself that I never stopped to think about, and some realities that are going to change. I fail when it comes to doing relationships the right way. When I get into one, all my attention goes to her. All my plans, ideas are dropped for this woman that I desire. "[A man] needs a mission, a life purpose, and he needs to know his name. Only then is he fit for a woman, for only then does he have something to invite her into." I don't think I've truly felt validated as a man, who I am and what my identity is. So often what I would do is make the woman my adventure that I sought after to conquer and from her my identity would come. But this is all wrong. "Until a man
knows he's a man he will forever be trying to prove he is one, while at the same time shrink from anything that might reveal he is not." See the problems is while "femininity can arouse masculinity", it can never bestow it. In fact, what I have learned is that God will hurt us, take away those things dearest to us in order to heal us. Perhaps that is what he is doing here, and I think it an odd coincodence all these things happened as such. But healing is happening and I am daily trying to become a more dangerous, free, wild man after God's heart who will fight for his beauty and take her into his own adventure and make her a part of it. That is what I really want to do, that's my deepest desire.
We'll I didn't expect to write so much but I suppose I knew it would be long. So I hope you all are doing well, reading up and enjoying your summer. School's staring soon and with that, my final year at Anderson and my ushering into the real world. By the way, I want to mention real quick, if you've been wondering what I want to do once I graduate. I have a couple of ideas. Camp administrator is obviously still a possibility. Have also thought about being a Bible teacher. I think the world needs less boring ones and I hope to help that. Thirdly, and this is a recent thought, I've tossed around the idea of being a Navy chaplain. I know, it's random but I got an email the other day and thought I'd check it out so I'm hoping to get some more information soon about that. Well anyways, this building is hot and I'm about spent with typing so have a great night and hopefully I'll see you soon!