from my personal journal...to bring things up to date

7/31
Tonight I wanted to be the hero, and I wanted so bad for Jen to be my Mary Jane Watson. I went and saw Spiderman 2 tonight and I don't really know why, but it made me want to be the hero, fighting for the girl. I so badly want her by my side and I feel like I'm just sitting back while the girl I'm in love with slips away. I don't want that to happen when I go back to school. What is it that I want? Someone to love me back...

8/4
I've been having some conflicting thoughts lately about Jen, as in what should I do, concerning a future us...
I've come to this conclusion, that I don't want to waste my feelings for someone who doesn't want to date me. Perhaps me being interested in someone else would inspire jealousy from her. If it did, that means she lied, that she does care and something was there. She really did want something but held back...
Part of me just wants to let her go, let her make up her mind. The other part wants something to happen. God give me clarity here, cause I'm strugglin with what to do.

8/5
"I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection"
If I didn't feel shafted before, I do now. I told Jen what time we'd be leaving for the wedding tomorrow so we could make it there on time, and she told me she didn't know if she was going! I can't believe it, even now. She'd been hinting to me that she was going to go and now she's possibly not. This is furthering me from her, which I guess is a good thing because it's evident to me that she wants no hint of a relationship between us. And I'm fine with that. She's supposed to tell me tonight so we'll see I guess.

8/6
She's not going. Whatever.

...more in the next update, talkin to a friend I haven't talked to in years.