I've been reading through some of my friends' blogs and I've realized how surfacey and almost fake (not quite) all my writings have been. They all talk about their feelings, how they really are. I haven't done that, until now. Starting today, these entries will take a different turn. I'll still let you know how things in my life are going, but I think from now on, I'm going to write more about how I'm really feeling. It's time for the mask to fall...
I feel like crap right now. As I've been telling you, my job hunting has just gone no where. I feel like I am wasting my days, doing nothing everyday. To me, it doesn't matter if the next day comes because it's going to be the same boring re-run of the day before. Nothing's changed, it's all the same. I wake up, sit around or call about a job or go out looking for a job, come back home, eat, sit around some more, call someone maybe, and then 2am rolls around and I go to sleep. It's my routine, if you can call it that. I don't know, I feel like I'm wasting time. I can't say I've done one productive thing since school ended. I was planning on continuing to study my German and I haven't done that. I wanted to write more, and aside from my entries here, I haven't done so. I play the guitar every now and then. My days are just a waste of time.
To top it all off, or just add to it, today has just been one of the most confusing and strange days. I had this dream last night, and while I won't go into detail about it, it really bothered me. Here's why: I've had dreams before, woken up from those dreams, and later they actually happened. I can't explain it, nor will I try to, but the reason this dream bothers me so, is because it has to do with my future marriage. And in the dream, after a special bonding moment, I have this feeling, as if I've just made a very wrong decision in marrying this person. I can't explain why this dream happened, just like you can never understand sometimes why you have dreams that you've had. It just bothered me a lot and this is definitely the first time a dream has bothered me and been on my mind for this long of time. It scared me, because I want to be content with who I marry, not get married and then discover I've ruined two lives. I cherish the sanctity of marriage and love and being loyal, and that's what I want my marriage to be about. I don't know where else I'm going with this, it's just been something on my mind today.
With that, the job frustrations and getting over a cold, it's just been a hard few days. If you know me, you know how much I value my mind, being clear, understanding people and myself. I haven't felt clear lately. I feel lost, wandering. I'm not searching for something, I just feel aimless. I don't feel it's from lack of purpose or anything. Maybe I just need some regularity in my life again...