So lately I've had a lot of time (at least it feels like it) and I've been doing some extra reading, you know just for fun stuff and it's called Blue Like Jazz. It's a fantastic book which I've known about since this summer and have seen it or heard it mentioned more than once, and that convinced me one day to go out and buy it. I must say it's quite a read. I've never really felt "good" after reading many books, but after each chapter I honestly feel like I've sat through a jazz set in a smoky dark blue-lit coffee house and just been touched, not necessarily spiritually (although it has its moments) but just at the heart, giving you some peace and this internal warmth that can't really be described, just experienced. So I recommend reading it.

the candle's lit, the music is playing beside me, and it's almost one in the morning so I feel inspired to write something...

today i learned i have cancer and only a year left to live. when you're young, you think you're going to live forever. when you're old you think the same thing. it's only when you're really old and you feel the aches in your joints that you even begin to think about death. by then, life is almost over. most of your dreams are already gone, and nothing is left. but it's different when you're young.
when you're young, you think you're going to live forever. that's why most people procrastinate telling someone how they really feel, waiting for the "right moment", whatever that is. you delay doing things you've dreamed of because it wasn't time, convenient, financially possible. it's different when you know you're time is ticking. you do all those things. you don't wait, that luxury is gone. and suddenly in all the death, you experience a freedom and life that most people only dream of. oh it's something anyone could have if they just did it, went after those things dearest to them. but they don't. they are going to live forever. what an arrogant human lie.
just do it. nike was on to something when they came up with that. just do it, what's the wait? you're gonna die some day anyways. what is worse, dying old with regrets, wishes of things you never did but always wanted to or dying knowing you did everything you ever dreamed of, chased after all those things that make life worth living and that spark something in your heart? you decide, you still have time. dying isn't the worst thing that can happen to you. never really living is. you may be alive, but are you aLIVE? do something extraordinary today. you're time is ticking too. as for me, im going to learn to play the jazz piano, direct an indie film, and photograph the stars. what'll you do?

I hope you enjoyed that. by the way, i don't have cancer, but I wanted to write something from the perspective of someone in the situation, someone with different lenses to see life a little different than we do now. appreciate what you have now, the things you can do. do what you've always wanted to do. you can do it, really.

the room is warm, a candle lit, music playing...
the perfect atmosphere for introspective writing...

Well the semester is off to a great start. Classes are great. I have the easiest semester I've ever had because I'm only taking 13 hours this time around, so I have a lot of time to read. I'm reading books this semester that aren't even for class, and I'll actually probably read everything for all my classes too! I feel a lot more rested and relaxed. It's fantastic.

OK here is what I really wanted to write about tonight. As I walked back from Mocca Joe's this evening, hands covering my stuffed up head as the breeze pushed me, my mind took me to a place where my heart was. I was walking on a long road, a brown dirt gravel road, feeling a relief after a downpour that finally let up. The relief wasn't so much for the rain letting up as it was for the feeling of going somewhere. But I was tired, so tired from all the walking that took place through that rain. This is how I feel right now. I feel like I'm walking along this path, rain coming and going with the days that inspire it, waiting for something to happen, something in my heart to feel right again. I'm at war with myself. My heart and my mind exchanging retortions and rebuttals. I have many things, one thing in particular that I won't talk about here, on my mind and heart. I'm managing to go through my days, but each day pushes me in one direction then another in the other direction. My life is going to change in a few months, I won't be in the US. I'll be gone and things will change again. As that day draws closer after each sunrise and sunset, each earned paycheck and class completed, my imminent choice, the choice I'm going to have to make with myself, becomes this impending doom. It's my countdown. Each day leaps it forward another step. What am I going to do? I don't know at this point. Leaning towards one decision receives a smack from my heart, when the other is decided my mind bends back. Talking to friends hasn't been the cure for this dilemma. All I can do in the meantime is let the war wage on and see what happens when the dust settles. Hopefully I'll feel good about whatever that final decision is.

Well if that was vague enough for you, it was partially inspired my my not feeling good, and my own uncertainties. So there you are, the first real entry in a long time...until then...

It's 9am and I'm trying to wake up to take a shower and go to work for the day. The past few days were probably the worst of break, because we had no electricity or heat. I felt like a homeless person, going anywhere I could just to stay warm. I even worked 10 more hours this week, just so I could stay warm longer! But I was so happy to drive down University and see the intersection stoplights working, and even more excited to see our porch light on. I'll tell ya, you miss things like heat, electricity, your own bed, when you don't have it. But now we do, the house is back to a temperature where it isn't painful to walk on the floor with bare feet.
So this is my last semester here at Anderson. I am 198 days away from boarding a plane and living in a different country for a year. It doesn't really blow me away or anything. It's just crazy how fast time is going. I think time speeds up the older you get. I remember being a kid and feeling like Christmas would never come. Now things come and go so fast. I mean, I just finished a semester. Where did it go?!? Well if I learn one thing from all this, it's that time never stands still, no matter how bad you want it to. You have to live for the moment, because in another, it's gone.
Everything else is going good. Roommates finally moved back in, which is cool. It's nice and it sucks at the same time. We had a ton of people over last night, well I didn't but there were a lot of people over here. I forgot that my room has no soundproofing, until I tried to go to bed. That didn't work. Ah well, regardless it's nice to see them all. Classes start tomorrow and I don't know how the hell I'm going to wake up for my 7.30 class. Time for a routine again after a month of enjoying sleeping in. It's all fading away. Time moves on though! And now so must I, need a shower before work. Enjoy your whatever wherever you are! Until next time...