I have such a jumble of thoughts and emotions, they have no clear start or end, contributor or self made, but here they are...

Go back and read my entry from Jan 19 of this year...may clear up some things you may not have been privvy to when you first read it.
Life is complicated, it's hard to have perspective all the time when you're trying to remain true to yourself. Talking with Sarah and the realization of my leaving soon has helped me regain perspective on who I am, what I am trying to be as a man, as a person.
Remaining true to yourself is the most difficult thing you can ever accomplish, but people will thank you in the end for it.

I've realized over the past few days that I have such a hard time making big decisions, being definite, going in with no safe way out, commiting. I'm afraid of commitment. I have this feeling right now, like someone drilled me in the gut, weakness penetrating my legs, tightness in my stomach, I hate it. It makes me want to throw up. And to be honest, nothing in particular is contributing or forcing this feeling on my body. Maybe it'll be gone tomorrow. Maybe it won't. Maybe I'm just so sick of thinking of things like a chess game, always thinking a few moves ahead, what's the best position to gain the most favorable outcome. Wait. Do this. Commit here. Don't buy yet. It's just stress that's piercing my being and my mind. It's overwhelming. The blindsided feeling of full body ache has no perpetrator. It's coming from somewhere but I don't know where. You know, maybe it's a combination of things that are making me feel like this. I mean, I just told a girl I've had a crush on all year I love her; I'm living for an entire year in a foreign country and that's pretty damn overwhelming; I can't decide between like 5 different computers, and if I get one, will it be possible to buy a digital camera too, or is that important, or should I wait to buy it in another month or so, because something better could come out and I'd hate to buy something new and then something better comes along for the same price............I've been confronted with all these definite decisions, and I haven't had time to work them out, so to speak. What is the best move? How can I have the most favorable outcome? What's the best decision for me?

The truth is...I'm selfish. I can't commit. I'm afraid of love. I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of letting myself down, and everyone else who puts stock into what I do and believe in. If you want to know me, there ya go. These are some of my deepest fears.

Maybe this is why I feel so sick...because for the first time in a while, I'm facing myself, and who I see disgusts me.

Well, it's 11.36Pm. It's been a good, no...great year, partly because I've finally decided to do something with my life, decided to be in a foreign country, lived in a house with a bunch of cool guys, and met some amazing people.
I've been journaling a lot and thinking about what I wanted to share about this great girl. I wanted it to be meaningful and honest. Her name's Sarah and here's my thoughts.

Sarah, this is to you.

I know I haven't shared much of myself with you. I didn't realize how you saw me until tonight, after four hours of talking online. I know I'm introspective, quiet, a bit of meloncholy, and confusing. Well here are my cards, laid out on the table. Most of this you know, but now you have it to come back to...

I'm incredibly grateful to have met you this year. What I've liked most about you is your smile, your cheerful attitude, your love for people and life, and a general positive attitude about you. I realize I am not many of these things, which is partly why I like being around you. But the person you've grown to be in my mind and life, is someone very important and someone I care about.
I'm glad we got to spend the many times together, whether it be swing dancing, talking in mocca's, or coming to my house for movies and popcorn (even when you didn't eat it, or said you didn't want any and then ate the whole bag). I know that we spent all this time together, and I never really shared much. So many thoughts went through my mind. I genuinely enjoyed our conversations about religion and theology in mocca's. Those were some of my most favorite conversations (even the one where you said you wanted to pray about doing something, I said just do it, then the next day chapel affirmed it). Thoughts went through my mind the day I met you at Swing Club...ask my friend Amanda. I talked about you a lot. She even mentioned once, that day that you taught me the dip where your arm is behind you, how she noticed some attraction. Whether she did or not, I don't know. But every time I dipped you, I wanted to kiss you. Those times at my house, watching The Notebook or Mothman Prophecies at an ungodly hour. You know, I had no preconceptions about them. I just wanted to hang out with you. That's all. Just being around you, whether it was for coffee, or dancing, or a movie, I longed for it and enjoyed it.
These are my honest thoughts. I've waited this long to tell you how I feel mostly because I was afraid of being hurt by sharing my feelings, afraid of some form of intimacy, and partly afraid of the word and idea of love. The other day, when I had that quote up "I just don't think I'll ever get over you", I had that there because that is the way you've affected me. I don't want to get over you, and I know I wont.

I'm not sure where I'm going with all this, so to end it, here is my version of your last blog entry:

Sarah, if I was utterly selfish, I would stop time right now, disregard consequence, circumstance, and inhibition and ask you for one more dance. It was then that I think I felt the closest to you. My favorite was probably after The Notebook, that random dance I asked of you (I went back through my journal and remembered writing about it too), but whenever I danced with you, that was great. I would have talked more to you our last week of school. I didn't always say something, but I was thinking and reflecting on things. I know that lead you to confusion about me, my intentions, my feelings but never once did I have negative thoughts about you. I've always cared about you, and wanted to be around you, because you were like my sunshine. That sunshine has made me a little bit better of a person...a little less negative...and I think a little more hopeful...
Since I'm human, I know I might never get that chance to dance with you again. It may be a year or longer before I get to see you again, but I want you to know one thing...and I am so scared to write this...I have and do love you. You have a special place in my heart. I know things did not work out for us, and perhaps it was for the best, but if I was utterly selfish, I think I would have made it work.
You've affected me more than you know...
I've edited this thing like 4 times now. I don't know if it articulated everything I wanted to say, but then again it's impossible to articulate the whole span of emotions you experience on top of the stories you share with people. With this and our coversation last night, I hope you're able to see the me that exists.
so, until next time...

Today was the second day I've been able to do nothing. It was quite relaxing. After hours of doing nothing, eating, playing video games, I went to work. It felt good to actually do something other than homework. It was actually quite peaceful too cause everyone was gone, so I had the house to myself. I enjoyed that. That almost never happens, since there are 8 other guys living at the house. Other than relaxation, nothing fun to talk about.

There is something else that I need to post on here, but I can't. Not just yet. I need to write it in my real journal before I can bring it to you all. If you want to know, it's about a girl...

So I have this thing on my desktop that tells me what assignments or events I have going on. I delete them when they're done, all that fun stuff. I love what it says right now, "You Have Nothing To Do". The best words to hear after a long week...Got some other stuff to talk about too, but I'll post later. Peace.
(I actually wrote this on the 7th but I meant to on this day!)