I have such a jumble of thoughts and emotions, they have no clear start or end, contributor or self made, but here they are...

Go back and read my entry from Jan 19 of this year...may clear up some things you may not have been privvy to when you first read it.
Life is complicated, it's hard to have perspective all the time when you're trying to remain true to yourself. Talking with Sarah and the realization of my leaving soon has helped me regain perspective on who I am, what I am trying to be as a man, as a person.
Remaining true to yourself is the most difficult thing you can ever accomplish, but people will thank you in the end for it.

I've realized over the past few days that I have such a hard time making big decisions, being definite, going in with no safe way out, commiting. I'm afraid of commitment. I have this feeling right now, like someone drilled me in the gut, weakness penetrating my legs, tightness in my stomach, I hate it. It makes me want to throw up. And to be honest, nothing in particular is contributing or forcing this feeling on my body. Maybe it'll be gone tomorrow. Maybe it won't. Maybe I'm just so sick of thinking of things like a chess game, always thinking a few moves ahead, what's the best position to gain the most favorable outcome. Wait. Do this. Commit here. Don't buy yet. It's just stress that's piercing my being and my mind. It's overwhelming. The blindsided feeling of full body ache has no perpetrator. It's coming from somewhere but I don't know where. You know, maybe it's a combination of things that are making me feel like this. I mean, I just told a girl I've had a crush on all year I love her; I'm living for an entire year in a foreign country and that's pretty damn overwhelming; I can't decide between like 5 different computers, and if I get one, will it be possible to buy a digital camera too, or is that important, or should I wait to buy it in another month or so, because something better could come out and I'd hate to buy something new and then something better comes along for the same price............I've been confronted with all these definite decisions, and I haven't had time to work them out, so to speak. What is the best move? How can I have the most favorable outcome? What's the best decision for me?

The truth is...I'm selfish. I can't commit. I'm afraid of love. I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of letting myself down, and everyone else who puts stock into what I do and believe in. If you want to know me, there ya go. These are some of my deepest fears.

Maybe this is why I feel so sick...because for the first time in a while, I'm facing myself, and who I see disgusts me.