Well, it's 11.36Pm. It's been a good, no...great year, partly because I've finally decided to do something with my life, decided to be in a foreign country, lived in a house with a bunch of cool guys, and met some amazing people.
I've been journaling a lot and thinking about what I wanted to share about this great girl. I wanted it to be meaningful and honest. Her name's Sarah and here's my thoughts.

Sarah, this is to you.

I know I haven't shared much of myself with you. I didn't realize how you saw me until tonight, after four hours of talking online. I know I'm introspective, quiet, a bit of meloncholy, and confusing. Well here are my cards, laid out on the table. Most of this you know, but now you have it to come back to...

I'm incredibly grateful to have met you this year. What I've liked most about you is your smile, your cheerful attitude, your love for people and life, and a general positive attitude about you. I realize I am not many of these things, which is partly why I like being around you. But the person you've grown to be in my mind and life, is someone very important and someone I care about.
I'm glad we got to spend the many times together, whether it be swing dancing, talking in mocca's, or coming to my house for movies and popcorn (even when you didn't eat it, or said you didn't want any and then ate the whole bag). I know that we spent all this time together, and I never really shared much. So many thoughts went through my mind. I genuinely enjoyed our conversations about religion and theology in mocca's. Those were some of my most favorite conversations (even the one where you said you wanted to pray about doing something, I said just do it, then the next day chapel affirmed it). Thoughts went through my mind the day I met you at Swing Club...ask my friend Amanda. I talked about you a lot. She even mentioned once, that day that you taught me the dip where your arm is behind you, how she noticed some attraction. Whether she did or not, I don't know. But every time I dipped you, I wanted to kiss you. Those times at my house, watching The Notebook or Mothman Prophecies at an ungodly hour. You know, I had no preconceptions about them. I just wanted to hang out with you. That's all. Just being around you, whether it was for coffee, or dancing, or a movie, I longed for it and enjoyed it.
These are my honest thoughts. I've waited this long to tell you how I feel mostly because I was afraid of being hurt by sharing my feelings, afraid of some form of intimacy, and partly afraid of the word and idea of love. The other day, when I had that quote up "I just don't think I'll ever get over you", I had that there because that is the way you've affected me. I don't want to get over you, and I know I wont.

I'm not sure where I'm going with all this, so to end it, here is my version of your last blog entry:

Sarah, if I was utterly selfish, I would stop time right now, disregard consequence, circumstance, and inhibition and ask you for one more dance. It was then that I think I felt the closest to you. My favorite was probably after The Notebook, that random dance I asked of you (I went back through my journal and remembered writing about it too), but whenever I danced with you, that was great. I would have talked more to you our last week of school. I didn't always say something, but I was thinking and reflecting on things. I know that lead you to confusion about me, my intentions, my feelings but never once did I have negative thoughts about you. I've always cared about you, and wanted to be around you, because you were like my sunshine. That sunshine has made me a little bit better of a person...a little less negative...and I think a little more hopeful...
Since I'm human, I know I might never get that chance to dance with you again. It may be a year or longer before I get to see you again, but I want you to know one thing...and I am so scared to write this...I have and do love you. You have a special place in my heart. I know things did not work out for us, and perhaps it was for the best, but if I was utterly selfish, I think I would have made it work.
You've affected me more than you know...
I've edited this thing like 4 times now. I don't know if it articulated everything I wanted to say, but then again it's impossible to articulate the whole span of emotions you experience on top of the stories you share with people. With this and our coversation last night, I hope you're able to see the me that exists.
so, until next time...